So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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