You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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