If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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