i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
