What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
