I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
