I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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