threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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