You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
