I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
