My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
