you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
