I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
