Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
