your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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