so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
