Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
