he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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