Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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