My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
