Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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