If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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