somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
