I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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