I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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