Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
