I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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