First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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