Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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