You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
