It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
