was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
