this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
