This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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