remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
