Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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