The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
