Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
