It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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