bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
