Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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