it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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