If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm passing your future prison.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
