Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
