put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Sacagawea was the original milf.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
