My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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