He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
