I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
All the doctor said was why
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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