Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Jerry, you need to find god
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
