As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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