I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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