Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
