Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
