Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
