so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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