you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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