I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
