Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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